It almost seems like the default mode for entering relationships is to be suspicious of your partner. This is very alarming! Have you observed that most times we focus on the negatives much more than we celebrate the positives? Sometimes, things become so toxic it almost seems impossible to see any good in the relationship.
Unfortunately, without knowing it, focusing on the details tends to lead to a lack of grace towards others. Focusing on the details tends to cause people to have tunnel vision spotlighting only the problems. We tend to get hurt or upset easily when too much focus is on the details. This can be pushed to the point of finding fault in another person and blaming them for not solving the problem themselves.
What is Grace?
Simply put, Grace is “undeserved kindness.” Another way of saying this is kindness towards someone who does not deserve it or who has not earned it. We all need grace! We all need grace and forgiveness from God. We all need grace and forgiveness from each other. The great thing is that, because God is love, He has lots of grace to go around!
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:8
Grace is the free and unmerited favor of God. Grace is what we receive when we have messed up, fallen down, made wrong choices, and sinned.
What can one do to fill their relationship with grace?
Know that you’re not infallible – You are a human being and you also make mistakes. You probably have made similar if not the same mistakes as others. Remembering that you’re not infallible, allows you to give grace to others more readily when they mess up.
Listen more – Listening is a major component of communication. If you listen to your partner, over time you will get to understand and even predict their intentions. You will be able to determine the meaning of his/her words and actions more accurately, resulting in less emotion and increased grace when your partner messes up.
Be merciful – Mercy opens the door for Grace. While Grace is giving kindness or favor to someone who does not deserve it, mercy is simply not punishing someone even though they deserve it. Mercy is withholding and grace is giving. By withholding attacking or withholding yelling at someone because of their faults, a path is cleared for kindness and love to be imparted.
Forgive – Forgiveness in a relationship is the ability to choose to not be angry and not harbor resentment towards your partner when they hurt you. This does not mean you don’t set healthy, firm boundaries to make sure the hurt does not reoccur. It just means you are not willing to keep being angry and hold onto hurt for bitterness to build up.
Communicate – Even your best intentions if not communicated effectively can be misunderstood. Knowing your spouse deeply is very important for growing a relationship. Leave nothing to assumption, always communicate.
Set realistic expectations – Leveraging on our first point that you are human, please note that you are dating a human being also. Many people expect their partners to be who they themselves struggle to be! Before you act or react, assess the environment, the intention and the situation. When you are realistic, you are better able to make the right decision, which could lead to a gracious reaction.
Find the humor – Laughter will always lighten the mood in any situation. Can we turn that negative energy into something everyone can laugh about? Can you make fun of the way your partner is pouting, or throw in a joke about your partner being cute when they are angry? Negativity clouds judgment and thinking. Grace is easier to extend when negativity is not ruling the moment.
Pray together – Prevention they say is better than cure. It is possible for the Holy Spirit to help you both to extend grace to each other even before the offence comes. When I intend to listen and pray to God, then I am seeking to be a better person and to love others. My mind will be more ready to extend grace. It is even better when we are both prepared to dispense grace.